


despite everything, it's still you

by taekwoons



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Eventual Fluff, M/M, Unbeta-ed, hyunjae's pov, lapslock, mentions of other members but they're quite brief, warning: pretty cliche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28796133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taekwoons/pseuds/taekwoons
Summary: it’s been years but jaehyun still finds himself going back to those familiar eyes. one drunken night, he confesses to sangyeon.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Sangyeon
Comments: 13
Kudos: 51





	despite everything, it's still you

**Author's Note:**

> this has no sense of a proper timeframe, and i think it drags at one point. just a mess of words and lots of feelings? also my vocab's pretty simple heh

“do you…” sangyeon starts, restless fingers tapping on the table. jaehyun expects a continuation, but the older merely sighs and drops whatever he’s trying to ask previously. they’re in the older’s studio, the leader bringing him in to help him here and there, and the younger's mostly happy to offer any guidance. sangyeon’s been making so many demos, mostly sending them to sunwoo for his opinions and help on rapping, and jaehyun wonders when would any of them ever see the day.

“what, hyung?” jaehyun frowns. “don’t just stop there.”

sangyeon licks his lips, bites them in contemplation. jaehyun tries not to stare.

“this might be insensitive of me. but do you remember your last love? how it feels like?”

jaehyun had to stifle a laugh. it feels just like some stupid romance movie that he had probably watched a few times (or more) courtesy of sunwoo and eric. unrequited love. one asking about love, unaware of the other’s feelings. only ending in fear, longing and pain. it’s too familiar. he opts for an easy answer.

“it’s been so long, hyung. i don’t remember.”

sangyeon laughs. “you’re right. sorry about that.”

“it’s fine,” jaehyun says back. _it’s fine_ , his mind repeats. _he won’t know._

it’s too late for jaehyun to remember how and when exactly his mind decided to pay more attention to sangyeon. sure, sangyeon is a man who, jaehyun thinks, naturally cares for people regardless of the situation — always looking out for anyone, tries his best to understand and resolve any misunderstandings — and jaehyun can’t deny that he has always gravitated more towards such personalities. comes as no surprise when sangyeon is granted the leader position as they move nearer to their debut date (with the fact that he’s the oldest), hands clammy and face flushed as he goes towards jaehyun, those familiar eyes transforming into crescents. he’s happy yet at the same time nervous, and jaehyun finds himself being engulfed in an embrace, arms tight around his waist, sangyeon’s face to his neck. shouldn’t be anything, really. he’s a tactile person himself. but that day he couldn’t hear anything else except for the alarm going off in his head.

the years went by like that.

he’s never sure whether sangyeon actually noticed anything. as composed as he made himself to be, certain nights he finds himself remembering the small details that may alert sangyeon of his, well, crush on him. maybe it’s because sangyeon prioritises too many things before himself. maybe he’s too busy to notice anything. or maybe he’s just too dense of a person. jaehyun don't know if he prefers sangyeon to know but dismiss them or be unaware of his feelings forever (or for as long as he allows it to be).

it’s especially confusing when he back-hugs his members wishing it was sangyeon instead. smoothes the messy hair of the younger ones imagining it was sangyeon doing it on him. leans on whoever’s shoulder on weary days with wistful eyes hoping sangyeon would notice it and grow green, just like how jaehyun does when sangyeon indulges in warm touches with the younger ones (but then again, why would he?). instead all he could do when the scene unfolds before him is watch, mock, and laugh. it’s his strange defence mechanism. _“it’s dangerous when sangyeon starts hugging,”_ he has teased once, and jaehyun can’t help but think it is why sangyeon rarely engulfs him in one anymore.

it is fine, he guesses.

that particular night, it started innocent. it was just a few drinks between two friends. two friends who, overwhelmed by work and emotions, confided in the bittersweetness of alcohol.

normally there would be at least another person, but today seems to be jaehyun's unlucky day because even haknyeon, who's always ready to join them anytime, declined sangyeon's offer, and it was too late for jaehyun to take back his words. the rest are busy with their own stuffs, so jaehyun finds himself sitting on the sofa of sangyeon's studio, listening to the older ordering on the phone. it's warm, sangyeon turning up the temperature and setting it to a comfy 26 degrees, but jaehyun could feel the tips of his toes freezing in anxiousness. it has been a while since it's just the two of them alone together. he sees all the cans of cold beer and his heart shrinks in fear.

well, it shrank in fear, that is.

within less than an hour the late-night snacks sangyeon ordered earlier got swept as fast as they waited for it to arrive. the both of them also got too carried away by the alcohol for jaehyun to process any kind of fear. actually, more like jaehyun got himself carried away by the cans and cans of beer laid out on their small foldable table. sangyeon still looks stable and quite sober, every now and then humming songs that sounds oddly familiar. jaehyun is pretty sure he could get them all correct if he was half as sober as the older. for some reason sangyeon either keeps pouting or grinning up at him so wide jaehyun can’t stop ogling at his cute dimple (and less openly on those lips).

"don't drink too much. we have practice tomorrow," the older nags, but jaehyun merely waves it off with an eyeroll, and sangyeon shrugs back. "don't say i didn't warn you."

"you were the one who suggested this."

sangyeon's now babbling, ignoring jaehyun's banter and suddenly storytelling some random funny instances that happened earlier between hiccups and giggles. jaehyun laughs along even though he didn't get most of the story, because he likes the way the older gets even more excited to share more. the way his eyes light up. the way his hands move faster than his lips. every part of it is endearing, and jaehyun begins to lean in.

"getting sleepy?" sangyeon asks upon seeing jaehyun inching closer to him. he pats his shoulder as an invitation and jaehyun's heart lunges because it has been a while. he doesn't hesitate to let his head fall on those shoulders, and when he gazes up, he sees his dream and his nightmare.

jaehyun would like to think it’s a mistake. but a part of his brain also knows that whatever’s happening right now and would happen in a few moments, it is bound to… happen. it’s just a matter of time and he believes he’s going over capacity; his muddled head is letting his body move faster than his conscience, everything just wants to spill over. it’s scratching at all the uncomfortable places, and jaehyun just wants to gush those words out. just wants to move a little bit closer, a few centimetres in so that he could kiss that cute dimple he knows he shouldn’t.

"hyung," jaehyun calls out. sangyeon hums in reply, staring off at one corner waiting for jaehyun to continue. the rhythmic pats the older's doing on his thigh is not helping. the alcohol in his system isn't helping either. nor is the greed and selfishness clouding his mind from the last bit of control he has.

and so jaehyun does what his heart wants: he shifts closer to his dream, plants a soft peck on the face he keeps coming back to, and lets his dream come true.

"i like you."

in the ending of his supposed dream the pecks draws out into kisses and a reply that he has spent so many times wishing to hear, but all he ever see is darkness.

when jaehyun wakes up, everything remains the same, though the studio is cleaned up already. sangyeon must have let him sleep while he cleared up the mess they did. he feels bad, since he pretty much contributed to at least 75% of the mess, and as he laments about his drunken state he's unfortunately reminded of what had happened.

"god..." he groans out, the stupidity of last night ringing in his mind like a persistent, annoying morning alarm. if only he remained awake at least a few minutes after. holding a torch for someone for so long must have been exhausting for him, because as much as jaehyun hates confessing his confusing feelings, what he hates more is the feeling of being trapped into an abyss of the unknown.

his train of thoughts were interrupted as sangyeon pushes the door open and enters the room. both of them are visibly startled, but sangyeon is the first to let a smile bloom over his face as he approaches the younger.

"done sleeping?" sangyeon jokes, and for a moment jaehyun thinks his dream might have ended in a more positive light.

jaehyun replies with a laugh. his stupid defence mechanism kicking in again. "sorry i blacked out yesterday.” pauses in contemplation, but goes for it anyway. “did i do anything stupid yesterday?”

sangyeon stares at him, unmoving. jaehyun’s anxiety is rising, and he sees nothing but uncertainty in those eyes. a few seconds, then they crinkle into those familiar crescents all over again.

“if anything happened, i would have teased you to no end, jaehyun-ah.”

he’s not sure what he was expecting — did he want sangyeon to confront him straightaway? tell him neither of them are in a position to be feeling such complicated feelings? tell him he has never viewed him that way? or tell him he hates him? one thing’s for certain is that now all he could register is the bile flooding up his throat. he excuses himself to the bathroom.

it’s impossible for jaehyun to let go of what happened the day before. he could clearly remember exactly what he said, and what he did before he blacked out, so why is sangyeon’s acting like it didn’t happen? there’s so many questions inside his head: was he trying to make it easier for him? so he won’t have to deal with the awkward situation? and jaehyun won’t have to face a downright rejection? the endless questions are clouding him and he finds himself sliding down the practice room’s wall the moment their choreographer announces a short break. he knew he didn’t do as well as he always did for practice, but he guesses everyone else weren't exactly doing their best either judging by how exhausted each of their faces are. even their choreographer must have pitied them. haknyeon settles beside him quietly, and he appreciates the company.

he didn’t know how to react though when he sees sangyeon approaching them.

“you guys doing okay there?” sangyeon asks the both of them.

jaehyun merely offers a small smile. haknyeon hums and nods as an answer on his behalf.

“i’m going to get some snacks for everyone. any of you want anything?”

haknyeon, of course, belts out a list of snacks he wants. but jaehyun knows he’s actually stacking up the secret pantry hidden away from their managers (the managers never checked on sangyeon's since he's mostly responsible, but hyunjae _knew_ too that sangyeon also wants to indulge the younger members; it's kind of a win-win situation), so he smiles fondly and even chuckles when sangyeon lets out a low gasp at the amount. when the leader turns to him, he shakes his head. “i’m good, hyung.” sangyeon nods and walks away.

the younger starts thinking again. as the older’s going around asking the others, he lets his mind run, observing the leader. he’s too nonchalant, it’s getting strange. or maybe it’s just him overthinking. right after sangyeon shouts out that he’s going off already, jaehyun jumps to his feet, running up to him.

“i’ll follow you,” he says when sangyeon watches him in confusion.

he didn’t know if it’s a good decision since they still have practice until late and knowing himself he’ll of course be affected by it, but at least with only him and sangyeon alone _something_ might come up. maybe sangyeon might crack beneath his calm surface and eventually tell him the truth — and eventually he’ll get an answer. a closure. he just wants to know why sangyeon’s keeping hum about it.

he lets sangyeon navigate through the convenience store to search for all the snacks in his list, hovering behind him like a restless shadow, biting his lips in anxiousness, finding the right time. occasionally sangyeon will turn to him and ask if he wants anything from a section, but jaehyun always give him the same answer: a curt shake, a small smile. his leg is shaking unknowingly when sangyeon goes to pay at the counter.

“wait, hyung,” jaehyun interrupts sangyeon before he has the chance to even move a step further from the convenience store, hands busy juggling the two plastic bags. the automated door opens and closes behind them.

“you forgot something?” sangyeon questions first.

the younger presses his lips together. he has been pondering on how to properly approach the subject while sangyeon's busy paying for the snacks. “i remember what happened yesterday,” he says, carefully.

sangyeon’s eyes goes wide for a while. maybe it wasn’t as obvious enough for others, but jaehyun has spent years knowing the elder to not notice it. he waits for him to crack, but it seems like it’s not cracking the way he expected it to.

“hey, jaehyun-ah? hyung’s sorry. i didn’t want to probe further into it.” oh. jaehyun’s heart sinks before he realises the last sentence. probe into what? “and it’s alright,” sangyeon continues. “i understand!” wait, no. jaehyun doesn’t understand.

before he could even mutter another word, sangyeon’s quick to turn on his heels, exclaiming, “eh. look at the time. let’s go back,” as he shifts one plastic bag to his other hand to tug on the younger’s forearm, leading them both back. jaehyun wants to shout _what do you understand?_ but they’re already reaching their company building. he curses under his breath. once again, confusing thoughts invading his mind.

it’s fine. he’ll deal with this later.

it took him a while due to the nature of their fast-paced lifestyle. jaehyun figures the best timing would be to just ambush the older when he’s locking himself up in his studio to immerse himself in making music. and place, since it’s pretty much one of the places the others rarely enter because of how the leader has sometimes reiterated not to disturb unless it’s something important. so it’s good. there’s a very low chance of any of the younger members bursting into the room and jaehyun won’t have to worry about his “confrontation” being interrupted. it’s one of those nights where everyone’s busy either practicing or doing their own stuffs, that he drags his heavy feet down the hallway to sangyeon’s studio. he needs to do this. he needs to know. it doesn't matter the answer — he has spent enough nights readying himself for it.

he lands himself in front of his door. knocks softly and hears the music stopping, so he knocks again. hears the light tapping of shoe against floor, and not a second later sangyeon swings open the door, surprised to find him the one knocking.

“jaehyun?”

“can i come in? i need your help.” jaehyun knows this is low of him, using help as an excuse. well, he does actually need help to escape this slow death.

sangyeon gives way to the younger in a heartbeat, worry all over his face as he follows jaehyun’s figure and closes the door behind him. after all jaehyun rarely asks for help, so the older must have thought this must have been really important.

“sit down, hyung,” jaehyun chuckles when he sees sangyeon hovering beside him.

“what help do you need?” the leader starts as soon as he sits next to him, already into serious mode.

jaehyun fiddles with his fingers. runs his fingers through his hair. then sighs. “what do you mean by ‘i understand’?” it’s abrupt, he knows, but as much as the leader can sometimes be slow to catch stuffs, he’s pretty sure sangyeon can get it this time. he’s not wrong when there’s only silence answering him.

“oh,” sangyeon tilts his head. “as in… i won’t tell anyone else? weren’t you going to tell me that?”

jaehyun frowns. okay… but where’s the real answer. “you know i like you, and your response to me is to just keep quiet about it…?”

sangyeon splutters. “you— what?”

his frown grows deeper. why’s sangyeon’s so surprised about that. is he continuing the act? “i was drunk yes, but i know what i did to you that night.”

“didn’t you mistake me for someone else?” the look of confusion is too genuine for jaehyun to think it’s just a way for him to avoid the whole topic. now he’s confused.

“what do you mean?”

“…you didn’t mention any name.”

jaehyun’s quick to rebut, shifting his body to face the elder. “wait— didn’t i? didn’t i kiss you on your cheek? said i like you?” he was about to question his own memory, but the way the tips of sangyeon’s ears redden is enough to scrape away any doubt. so he wasn’t feigning ignorance, he just took matters into his own hands.

“you did. i— i don’t know. that night when you said those words,” sangyeon explains, and _those words_ lingers in jaehyun’s mind. “i just thought you meant it for someone else. just thought you… somehow your brain made you think i’m someone else.”

“someone else?” jaehyun snorts. “who else is my hyung?”

“umm… jacob?” sangyeon suggests, eyebrows raised, crunched up together. “or maybe some other hyung that i don’t know of…?”

jaehyun wants to retort but he understands why sangyeon would think of it that way. he admits he has a soft spot for jacob, but that’s a different story. everyone has a soft spot for jacob. he leans his head back on the sofa and heaves out a sigh. somehow it feels nice that this confrontation happened — well he made it happen. it wasn’t so bad after all. he turns to meet eyes with the older, and it feels even better that whatever’s going on right now, it definitely didn’t feel weird or suffocating. on the contrary, it’s funny.

“it’s you, hyung.” _has always been you,_ jaehyun wants to say, but holds himself back.

sangyeon breaks the eye contact, shying away from the yet again bold confession jaehyun made. his eyes flutter around the space before him. “i’m honoured.”

the loud and boisterous laughter all of them are so used to bubbles out of jaehyun. sometimes sangyeon really speaks funny words. though it’s also back to his stupid defence mechanism, laughing as just an excuse to help ease the tension out of himself.

“you’re honoured? seriously?”

“i mean, there’s so many other people better than me.” sangyeon raises his head, catches jaehyun’s hard gaze on him and drops it again. “sorry. this is all quite... confusing. i’m not used to this.”

“it’s fine,” jaehyun says — again. he knew this would happen but nothing could prepare him for the sting, no matter the amount of prep he has readied himself each night. “promise me you won’t treat me any different after this?” he gives a small smile. it’s the best he could do for now.

sangyeon nods in response, smiles back, grabs and squeezes his hand in assurance.

the older resumes his work, and what’s running in his mind while sangyeon’s busy changing the different chords is he knows this stupid feeling of his won’t ever go away.

sangyeon really didn't treat him any different afterwards, but jaehyun just couldn't get it in himself to make it seem like everything could return back to normal knowing how things had panned out in just a few days. other times he's proud to declare that he's quite professional, but sometimes he just couldn't pretend that all of his feelings for the older had vanished into thin air. especially when sangyeon held his waist in a half-hug. or when he held his hand. and especially when he just had to rub his thumb at the back of his hand like he had always did. jaehyun had to pull his hand away when it was just the two of them. sangyeon is taken aback, eyes blown wide in surprise, but within a few seconds something clicks in his brain and he quickly retracts his hand away, apologising.

"it's fine," jaehyun tries to smile, but he's afraid it might have come out as a grimace instead with how sangyeon's looking at him with wavering eyes. "i know i was the one who told you not to treat me any different."

"no, it is my fault," sangyeon insists. "i should know my boundaries."

jaehyun tries not to think too much into what he just said, so he does what he thinks would be the ideal thing to do, which is a pat on sangyeon's shoulder. the older does seem to shake a bit of the tension off him when jaehyun initiated the action.

"just treat me like any of the other members."

and so sangyeon does.

nothing good would come out of making things awkward anyway. at the end of the day they're in a team, they need to depend on each other, more so with the fact that both of them are one of the oldest in the group. so for most of the part jaehyun lets himself revel in the things that he had always thought he shouldn't — a past effort of thinking that by doing so, his feelings would fade away. which, unfortunately, never did no matter how much he thought they were gone. when sangyeon invites him out for supper at the nearby restaurant, just the two of them, jaehyun agrees when usually he would drag another member. when sangyeon leans in or curls into him while laughing, jaehyun lets himself savour the moment instead of having to process the drop in his stomach and the urge to run away. jaehyun didn't have to peer at other members with green eyes, because it's sangyeon himself resting his head on his shoulder, the weariness of the gruelling week catching up to him.

it's strange how the interactions between them increased after. maybe he had been pushing away too much of what would have been natural between them, just like how it was natural to jaehyun and the other members. maybe sangyeon had always wanted to do such actions, but it was jaehyun himself that never gave him the chance. he has always been afraid of giving himself away too much. it's terrifying to know that so much of him could be revealed so openly merely through his eyes, so oftentimes he's unknowingly creating a barrier, but now he finds himself letting go more knowing that certainly, he wouldn't be met with looks of repulse.

"you seemed more relaxed these days," younghoon had commented once, and jaehyun catches a flash of those familiar eyes he had so desperately tried to erase before.

he wonders if sangyeon ever felt that all of these... are peculiar to say the least. there's an unspoken secret between them, a story no one could ever know, and both of them have to act as if the story never existed in the first place. sometimes he does catch the older's actions being a bit off, particularly when they're both left alone in a room; be it his jumpy self, his trembling hands or his anxious laughter. one time jaehyun must have let his eyes show more than he's supposed to and he sees the pause sangyeon did. jaehyun couldn't make out what it meant though. he could only interpret it in his dreams — but that's what dreams are: they make things seem real, they make things seem too good to be true.

at times jaehyun would like to think some of his dreams may have turned true.

in his dreams sangyeon pays attention to him and him only. here in the real world he is. sangyeon's body is fully facing him, he's leaning forward to hear his worries carefully, absorbing everything word by word, and placing a firm grip on his thigh.

in his dreams sangyeon lets jaehyun lay his hands on him. and here he is. jaehyun's combing his fingers through the older's curly hair, smoothing them out and massaging his temples, correctly aiming all those points that makes sangyeon's shoulder droop and lose all the tension, and the echo of jaehyun's own voice surrounding himself, _"i'm the best at this."_

in his dreams jaehyun shares a kiss with sangyeon hidden beneath the depths of the older's studio. in the real world jaehyun _almost_ let his greed win over him. suddenly he's hovering over the older, focusing on his lips, and when he gazes up, he sees the pause again. and once again jaehyun couldn't make out what it meant.

the weeks pass by just like that.

the weeks turn into months. months of unspoken tension, of trembling hands, of confusing touches and unexplained fears.

one night jaehyun bumps into sangyeon sitting under the single kitchen lamp. a glass of water abandoned in front of him, eyes staring far, alone. when the older notices the younger, he does as much as open the chair beside him for jaehyun, beckoning him to sit. jaehyun sits down slowly, the wood under him creaking.

"hey, jaehyun," sangyeon starts and jaehyun jerks his head up. he avoids looking too closely into sangyeon's eyes.

"what if..."

a second. two. three. sangyeon's not continuing.

"what if...?" the younger prompts for a longer question, but all sangyeon does is sigh and shake his head. 

"never mind." and jaehyun sees that same, familiar smile again.

jaehyun generally finds himself confusing, but it seems that sangyeon's another mystery.

tonight is one of those rare nights where everyone is huddled up in the middle of the living room for dinner. it just so happen that all of them had no plans, and sunwoo suggested that they should eat together in the living room like old times. jaehyun couldn't deny that it does feels nice to be able to relive those precious young memories, and where their only worry was of their debut.

at one point the conversation flowed into a topic jaehyun so badly wants to avoid.

"sangyeon's the eldest, he must have the most experience in romance," eric teases and the leader frowns in disagreement. "oh, don't fake it hyung. you must know a lot about love."

jaehyun couldn't help but steal a glance at sangyeon. he brings his knees up, wraps his arms around them and lowers his head, still keeping the gaze but keeping it casual. he could see how the older's struggling to keep the younger at hand with how rowdy they got when the topic came up, and thankfully changmin has one useful brain cell to ask everyone to quiet down instead of joining in. of course jaehyun sees the squeeze sangyeon did to changmin's arm as a way to thank him. of course his eyes would focus on that of all things.

"it's confusing to me, even," sangyeon says after. "i'm still trying to figure it out."

right at that moment, the older shifts his gaze towards jaehyun. then he smiles. jaehyun offers back a smile, an auto-reaction, and coincidentally both of them broke eye contact at the same time. jaehyun tries not to think too much into it, but what exactly was that smile for? the conversation continue as normal, switching up every now and then, and slowly the members retreat to the comfort of their own room as the night darkens. eric stays and it was only because it was a pride game between him and sunwoo, a game of who's the more responsible person out of them two. jaehyun knows sunwoo couldn't care less about this. sangyeon starts cleaning up, and eric follows right behind him, grumbling about _sunwoo this, sunwoo that_. the older could only offer laughs and pats on the youngest's back, and for some reason jaehyun struggles not to feel endeared by those actions. damn him.

"jaehyun hyung aren't you going to help us!" eric shouts.

the moment jaehyun stands up the youngest runs to his room, giggling, "thank you for the help hyung!" before he shuts his room's door behind him. he better thank the lord that jaehyun is too lazy to do anything about it or else eric would be begging him for forgiveness because that boy will surely be on the floor helpless. the leader shakes his head, unable to do anything.

"go and rest. i'll finish this up," sangyeon says as soon as jaehyun approaches him. the younger playfully pushes him aside with his hips in retaliation. "i'm a responsible person!" jaehyun mocks eric with his hands on his hips all, and it's so easy to elicit a laugh from the older. jaehyun loves seeing the crinkle of sangyeon's eyes.

"okay, okay." sangyeon had to stop himself from chuckling, and quickly hands over the wet tissue pack to jaehyun. the younger understands and starts wiping the table, occasionally glancing over at the older and wonders what would happen if things were a little bit different: where things could turn domestic, where jaehyun could simply do what the cheesy movies have all shown; an embrace, a kiss on the check, a declaration of love.

jaehyun snaps himself out of his daring thoughts. it must have been the smile he received earlier.

at the end of their clean-up sangyeon hands jaehyun a cup of tea and invites him to sit next to him. "thanks for accompanying me," the leader mutters as jaehyun drags the chair out.

"it's okay, you needed help anyway." a sip of the tea, and jaehyun appreciates how sangyeon managed to adjust the sugar level according to his preference. as he's letting his mind run with thoughts, he feels the gaze of the older on him.

he turns his head to ask. "what?"

"you didn't notice," sangyeon tells him, a brief smile hanging off his lips.

the younger frowns at the lack of context. "notice what?"

"it's okay." a squeeze on his forearm, and jaehyun is glad he placed the cup down already. it would be another mess to clean up. "i'll go in when you're going too."

it is selfish of jaehyun to take his time before turning in for the day, instead basking in the warmth radiating from his side even they're not even touching. in between the comfort of the silence and the lull of sangyeon's rhythmic taps does jaehyun find solace in. it is nearly 4 in the morning when they finally separated ways.

it's another day of sangyeon needing guidance, and after a few hours of going over the same note countless times to get it to perfection, jaehyun finds himself laid out on the sofa next to the older, who equally looks as tired as he is. lately sangyeon's been inviting him over for help more often. jaehyun would like to think it's because the company's planning to open up the group's soundcloud account soon, and probably has one of sangyeon's songs scheduled early.

"thank you again." it's the fourth time sangyeon's thanking him today, and jaehyun's waving him off in reply. it's his pleasure anyway. if jaehyun does have any important work to finish today, it's his and his business only. he has always done better on a tighter deadline. he ruffles his messy hair, brushing them in place while he contemplates if he should stay or leave.

he's about to announce his leave after a few moments of silence, since it seems that the older wouldn't need him anymore, when sangyeon abruptly turns his head to face him. jaehyun waits.

“you’re really pretty,” is all sangyeon says after a long time, eyes focused on him.

jaehyun chokes. “what?”

“i just wanted to say it...” sangyeon trails off. for someone who most of the time speaks like he’s talking so gently to a child, the words that comes out of sangyeon has the capability to sear through jaehyun, leaving him to a bloody mess, exposing his vulnerable sides. unfair.

“you just realised?” jaehyun sneers at him. he hopes his voice didn’t come out shaky. the way he’s breathing deep and shallow seems to say the otherwise, though. it’s already unfair how sangyeon tore him out with just a few words, he had to do it so nonchalantly too.

the elder beams at him. “have always do.”

have always do. _have always do._ he does it again. jaehyun feels dizzy. it’s difficult to fight against his own desires when the older’s staring at him like this.

“i still like you, you know,” he blurts out in the spur of the moment.

sangyeon hums, eyes downcast. “i… know.”

 _huh?_ jaehyun whipped his head so fast.

the older is quick to defend himself, as if he could hear the questions popping up in the younger’s mind.

“jaehyun, i—,” he stumbles over his words, his hands hovering over jaehyun’s before he lets it settle gently on jaehyun’s lap. the younger tries to ignore the burn he’s leaving.

he takes a deep breath, then exhales. “i know i didn't make it obvious. but i want to try. though i’m not sure how long this will last... for all i know you might leave me first.”

jaehyun’s brain is short-circuiting. his mind whirls. as usual, his only way of saving himself is to be a prick. “we haven’t even started yet and you’re being so pessimistic already?” jaehyun wants to tell him that he held a stupid torch for him for years he didn’t want to count, but he won’t tell him that yet.

sangyeon chortles. “jaehyun… it’s surreal enough to know you like me first. i wonder how many are dying to be in my place, fans and non-fans alike.”

well, it’s certainly surreal to jaehyun how they’re having this conversation.

“when did you realised you liked me back?” jaehyun questions. outside he’s grinning up at the elder, but inside someone’s gripping everything tight, too tight. his heart is beating so fast it rattles through his ears. damn him and his stupid feelings.

sangyeon flushes, ducking down. “i have no idea too. it just… came. like that.”

same, jaehyun thinks. it’s cliché, he knows, but he can feel the blooming inside his heart. what ever that bloomed inside him, he isn’t sure, but he knows it has got to do with the subtlety of everything that has arrived up till now. it’s not blatant, but they know things have changed — something has definitely established between them, a certain understanding. it’s sangyeon’s words. his fleeting touches. their shared thoughts.

they continue like that, talking about anything like old times, just with less tension on jaehyun’s side now that things have happened the way it has. he can’t deny that it still feels like a dream. somehow with the happiness bubbling in him, the sense of relief, the closure he got together with sangyeon’s soft voice lulling him to a slow dull, jaehyun lets his head fall onto sangyeon’s broad shoulder; strong, firm and comforting. sangyeon offers his hand, and jaehyun readily accepts it, intertwining their fingers together before submitting himself to the warmth, words turning into white noises. he thinks he felt the press of sangyeon’s lips on his forehead.

later, he dreams of kissing sangyeon.

the change between them isn’t so apparent at first though. jaehyun feels like he’s back to his middle school days; both of them eager but unsure. he wants to touch, but he’s unsure if he could go further than the usual hand-holding and hugs, while sangyeon on the other hand, was scared he was going too fast for the younger’s liking (jaehyun’s too embarrassed to let him know that he definitely won’t mind the older going fast because why haven’t they move on past hand-holding and pecks?). the words, too, didn’t come so easily. jaehyun finds himself waiting for sangyeon to say it first before he reciprocates. maybe it’s just him. maybe it’s just his insecurity. maybe he just needs some assurance even though sangyeon has always assured him.

it’s funny when he thought he hides it well, because the elder had caught on it faster than he thought he would.

“jaehyun-ah,” sangyeon calls out, and jaehyun hums in reply, brows raised in question. he’s straddling sangyeon, although it was awkward at first (jaehyun didn’t know if he should ask and how would he even ask? _can i sit on your lap? i wanna sit on your lap? let me sit on your lap?_ he had one knee perched next to sangyeon, the words held back, hesitant, when the elder brings him to his lap by pulling him down, smiling up at him in assurance. as if he knew). right now he’s completely cosy in his lap, stomach tingling as sangyeon runs his hands up and down his sides. it’s kind of stupid how he’s extra shy and sensitive in front of the older.

“’love you.” it’s not too sudden, but nonetheless it hits him. sangyeon’s so good at catching him unguarded.

jaehyun’s hands tremble. strange how he’s still not used to this. he didn’t realise his mind’s trailing off until sangyeon kisses the corner of his jaw, looking up under him.

“jaehyun-ah, are you there?”

goes back in. nods, “mhmm.” his brain is running miles and miles. one look into sangyeon’s eyes and he felt as if he’s exposed wholly, laid out for the older. not that he minds, but he’s just too overwhelmed. he turns away, expecting sangyeon to ask why, but he merely sifts one hand through his messy, curly hair, occasionally massaging. jaehyun rests his cheek on sangyeon’s chest, soothed by the slow repeated movement.

“love you too,” he says back, although a little late, but all that matters is sangyeon heaving a sigh of pleasure and holding him closer. his mind’s hazy and he lets his mouth move quicker than his brain, didn’t manage to warn the poor man before he sucks a spot on sangyeon’s ear. clearly it was too sudden because the older jolts up, surprised.

jaehyun gets knocked up too and immediately apologises, but sangyeon’s shaking his head, repeating _no, no, it’s fine, it’s fine._

he takes a good look at the older, cautious. “can i do more than that?” somehow it feels like the four walls are closing in on them.

the firm grip on his hips was subtle, but the younger catches it nonetheless.

“jaehyun-ah, you don’t have to ask me.” a smile. an assurance. trust.

jaehyun wonders how sangyeon answered in a way that hits all the right spots.

"let me tell you the truth," sangyeon speaks into jaehyun's naked shoulder one night.

jaehyun blinks. "what?"

"when you confronted me that day, i still thought you were covering up your crush for jacob."

all jaehyun could respond is a puzzled look, seemingly asking _you're still thinking of that?_ he didn't know the older is still fixated on thinking that the crush jaehyun bore for years was for jacob instead of himself.

"hyung, you know that's not true."

sangyeon nods once, eyes downcast. jaehyun knows there's something hidden behind those gestures. it's the way he vehemently refuses to look at jaehyun even when the younger keeps searching for his eyes. jaehyun gently nudges the older, and it seems that sangyeon finally gives in when he heaves a shaky sigh.

"...maybe you should watch any fancam of you and jacob together."

it was then jaehyun realised what sangyeon was hinting at. jaehyun couldn't help a grin at his words. it feels nice to see the green horns twisting their way up sangyeon's head; to be at the other end for once. it must not have been easy for him to talk about this, being the one who have always been the one reassuring the younger instead. jaehyun wants to tease him though.

"so, you're jealous?"

the older stays silent, lips pursed into a pout, and the younger bursts out an obnoxious laughter. jaehyun kisses the pout away from sangyeon.

they didn’t tell anyone except for jacob because of course they’re gonna tell him, it’s _j_ _acob_ , sweet, sweet jacob. it didn’t come as a surprise to him though. for some reason he caught on faster than others, but neither sangyeon nor jaehyun is exactly sure if the others are just keeping mum about anything they have noticed. jaehyun spends more time in sangyeon’s studio than his own, and nobody said anything about it. although jaehyun is a tactile person in nature, maybe it was his practiced habit of projecting his own tendencies towards the other members rather than the exact person he would like to cling onto from years of controlling himself, he rarely openly lets his hands land on sangyeon.

other than inside the older’s studio that is, but that’s between him and sangyeon. they made sure to lock the door and the members themselves know not to disturb the oldest when he’s in his space. clearly an advantage for the couple — more so for jaehyun. sangyeon is always ready to indulge in any of his requests.

sometimes he can’t help but think that sangyeon reserves his touches for him only. it’s the way sangyeon always make sure to keep an arm around his waist even when he’s clearly struggling to do his work with just one hand, insists on being so close to him because _it’s the only time we can be together_ , eager to just wind their fingers together to make up for all the times they couldn’t. sangyeon really is a funny man. but jaehyun couldn’t deny that he’s definitely pleased with this.

if sangyeon tries to make it up with touches, jaehyun does it with kisses. it’s his way to convey his stupid feelings without having to always say it out loud. there’s just something about seeing sangyeon crinkling his eyes in delight at every peck he places on him. sickeningly sweet. too honeymoon-like. jaehyun used to fake-gag at such scenes he would see on television, but karma’s biting his ass now with how he’s going through the exact thing he cringed at.

“you’re going to do a vlive with younghoon later?” sangyeon asks, mindlessly thumbing circles on jaehyun’s hips. it’s distracting, and it’s kind of making him want to ditch the plan.

“yeah, together with youngjae. in about 15 mins, i guess.”

“okay. you look really good today by the way,” sangyeon says as he hooks a chin over jaehyun’s shoulder.

“i always look good. don’t miss me too much,” he turns back and winks.

jaehyun expects a snark remark, but all he gets is a whine instead. “come back here when you’re done.” sometimes he forgets that sangyeon is the youngest in his family. he’s really considering to reschedule the live and it’s all because of stupid adorable sangyeon. he sucks the life out of the older before he leaves the studio, and youngjae _just_ had to catch him right as he closes the door behind him, asking him too innocently, _“hyung, why are your lips so swollen?”_

jaehyun blatantly ignores the question, walking ahead. younghoon bursts out laughing behind him. they definitely know.

when jaehyun does come back to the older’s studio after a whole chaotic live, he finds sangyeon huddled at the corner of the sofa, his hoodie zipped up and face half-hidden under, eyes closed. one hand holding his phone, almost slipping off his fingers, and his screen showing the ‘broadcast ended’ message. jaehyun coos. _so he was watching?_

he grabs the phone before it drops. when he returns to slip right next to sangyeon, it’s almost clockwork how the elder automatically curls into him. reaches and holds the younger’s hand, relishing in the familiar. “you’re back,” he whispers, and jaehyun’s breath hitches.

he thinks he could get used to this. or maybe not. it’s fine. everything’s fine now.

he lets sleep take over them.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m sorry for boring yall with this lame ass fic...  
> i admit i rushed the middle part, this was sitting in my drafts for almost 3 months i thought i should finish it before my life get super busy :') lemme know if u spot any mistakes!!


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